The Memoirs of a Villain

The memoirs of a villain

"Throw the body in the incinerator.... yes another one"
Pesky heroes! Why can’t they just keep to themselves I ask you? Here's me, having my lair all nice and tidy, my guards all trained then they come along! Shooting everything, destroying equipment, killing guards, SCRATCHING MY NEWLY PAINTED DOOR! I mean come on! It wasn't even locked; they never stop to ask - have you noticed that?

You may be wondering why I am currently ragging on all heroes, if you are asking yourself that your probably too stupid to read the rest of my book. You should put it down somewhere to use, inevitably, as a coaster. I am a super-villain. A very good one as it happens.
Why haven’t I taken over the world yet then, I hear you ask? Reader that is this story. Let me tell you.
When I was young, all my friends were planning to be doctors and scientists and there was little old me sat in the corner plotting world domination already. They thought I was kidding, how wrong they were.














Chapter One
Hallway Etiquette

I
remember the beginning. First day of a new school and all that. Oh to suddenly be confined to that small petty world, just wonderful it was! Immediately walking through those front doors you’re seized up by ten different people. You have the bully eyeing you up, trying to decide whether your worth his time, whether you have the money that can be shaken out of you. There are the new kids in year 7, wondering if you’ll be THEIR bully, the new feared child of year 10. Oh yes, small little me, I am going to be the new terror of your school. I have always been small, not short, no one would call me short (well, some people had, those people always seemed to get lost in a remote part of England. In a river. At the bottom.). I used to have mussed up black hair, the same as every other 15 year old in the year, I may have looked scornfully at those all around me, but I still wanted to look cool. I most definitely was not muscular, much as I envied those sporty people who had the motivation. I detested sport, preferring to spend most of my time indoors, reading through books about things you couldn’t possibly understand. This accounted for my pale alabaster skin, which remarkably for my age group was unblemished. Anyway, I digress, you don’t want to know how I looked that first day, you just want to know my story, don’t you? Then I shall continue.
On the first day I strolled through the corridors, the same as every other child in that godforsaken place. Head bowed, shirt slightly un-tucked. But there was something different in my step than the rest of the other newbies. A confidence in my step that had no right to be there. Inevitably this was picked up by one of the many “scouts” that lined the corridors, eyes out for anything out of the ordinary. In secondary school a bully is for life, just like penguins. Of course I’d be one of those lucky few picked out, I was just so obviously not one of the crowd, much as I tried to blend in. Not out of any desire to be normal, heavens no! For convenience: if I was to parade around who I actually was these kids would be screaming and running. Then I’d have to hunt down and kill them all and I really didn’t have the time for that, even then. Now stop distracting me, I’m trying to tell you the history of me! Something you should learn if I’m too soon be your lord and master!
Anyway, I was walking down this corridor, minding my own business when this.... outhouse of a boy steps in front of me. Obviously in year 10 or 11, judging from the sheer amount of him, that and the impression his face was doing of the moon, in fact I think maybe his face may have won the “most craters” contest.
“Hey there, squirt.”
There was a stupid smile of his face as he said this, as if, just like a penguin, he’d picked a mate for life.
Me being me I just stepped around his form, a journey of about 3 steps. This in itself seemed to surprise him, obviously no one stood up to this bollard of a boy.
“I don’t think you heard me, squirt.” He emphasized he was serious business with a shove that sent me careening backwards into a few year 7 kids, who promptly caught me, took one look at the rhinoceros of a bully and fled.
This was interesting.
Here I was in a situation that could go one of two ways, I could have either let me become his proverbial bitch or try and stand up for myself in a plucky underdog way. Either way would have led to getting my arse kicked.
But I had a third way.
I brushed myself off and looked at my new bully with a flare in my dark eyes. Oh this was always fun, being in a position of power.
My hands, by my sides, made a slight pushing motion in the direction of Jupiter. Jr. And, lo and behold, with eyes slightly widened in disbelief he was sent flying backwards, doing a fantastic impression of someone hit by a freight train. Honestly he could’ve won an Oscar.
As the crash of his body hitting the wall a few metres behind him (music to my ears) silence crashed over the crush of boys and girls in the corridor. Then the whispering started.
“...Hey did you see that?!”
“... how he did it!”
“...must know karate...”
And suddenly I was instantly popular, with people crowding around me asking how I’d done it. Where I’d been taught. Who I was.
I laughed and shrugged it off, walking to my first class of English with my new crowd of followers, past a dazed Mr. Bully who was still lying spread-eagled on the floor.
I made some attempt to get to know my new group of friends before the inevitable speech’s we’d have to endure in our first classes of a new school. Just as I did because these would be my friends through the coming years, and despite myself, I suppose I began to like them. A little bit.
First was who would become my closest friend (on his end, I liked him well enough but when your ambition is world domination you don’t tend to gather too many close associates, too much collateral later on, but we had some good times together) Jason. He was one of those perpetually eager types, I’d say always up for anything but that would be a most horrible cliché. He did know when to draw the line though, but at least he was able to have fun! More than I can say for some of my friends. Jason was tall and slim, but crazy about gymnastics, with the body to match. Sometimes it was all he’d talk about and my little group all ended up wanting to strangle him. I suppose some would call him good-looking, and he was never left wanting for girls, but he was never the “player” type. Smart and a little too loud at times I spent most of my time with him, not surprising considering we only lived in the same road.
Ian was our groups’ own personal brick shithouse. He played rugby and eventually became captain of the team. Despite this though he was never that enthusiastic about it, I know because we became close later but he preferred to paint! It was abstract mostly, bold dashes of colour that weren’t any tangible thing but nevertheless shower a great inner creativity. I loved his paintings, and for my birthday one year he made one for me. I’ve still got it on my wall. He had a quiet manner of speaking that made you forget that he could probably crush you if he so wished. And as I learned later he was brilliant at keeping secrets.
As with every group dynamic we had our girl, wouldn’t be a friendship group without one. Her name was Anna, Although telling her she was our token girl probably would have earned you a punch in the face. She most certainly was not a girly-girl but then she wasn’t a full tomboy either, somewhere in between. On most girls they’d have failed hideously at the balance and ended up flat on their faces in their high heels, pink makeup and leather jacket. Anna pulled it off though. Out of all of us she was probably the most opinionated, very passionate when she argued. In fact I’ve never seen someone’s eyes filled with so much fire, she almost seemed to give off a visible haze. She never really had many boyfriends, scared away by her voracious demeanour, which I always found odd. I always though Anna was very pretty. Just past shoulder length brunette curly hair, with sea grey eyes that always hid a storm. Unfortunately most boys my age didn’t want someone they could debate Descartes with, or who’d completely crush them on the Playstation, all they seemed to care about was whipping off a girls trousers, being mildly surprised at what was down there, and then trying for the love of god to last more than a few minutes.
There were more people surrounding me and asking me questions but I don’t remember their names or faces because, frankly, I didn’t care about any of them. With Jason, Ian and Anna I remembered them because we all formed a tight knit group later. It probably also helped that they were the most vocal three, firing off all the questions. It seemed to be the general thought that I’d learned karate or some other martial art (by the end of the day, the farthest reaches of the school were told I’d studied in the Alps for 3 years under Shaolin monks.)
I found it highly amusing that none of my peers even came anywhere near to the truth, which was surprising with the amount of superpowers being shown in the media now. There was a simple truth that did not involve 3 years of fasting, meditating and having the shit beaten out of me by a group of shaolin monks.
I am telekinetic.
Alright, I’ll grant you that even with all the hype about superheroes and X-men in the media today, its still the last thing that you’d apply to real life, but I was still expecting to hear it. Even as a joke! In fact,honestly? I was quite disappointed. I’d hoped to have made an explosive start starting secondary school, and whilst I was now famous, it wasn’t really the social crater I’d hoped for. What sets me apart from other “super-powered” people is that I am not self-deprecating. That is to say I don’t wallow in my bedroom saying “oh woe is me, I’m a freak! I’ll never be normal but that’s all I really want! Waaaahhh!” No. I loved having these powers, they were brilliant! And far from hiding them I’d revealed them to my parents years ago. Sure, I was gonna be a lot more cautious at school, in case any got any credible proof and I found myself waking up strapped to a metal table with lots of government scientists poking me with things. But I wasn’t just going to refuse to use them; they’re a part of me!
I’ve no idea how I got them, before you ask. No, I wasn’t bitten by a radioactive spider. No, I’m not from another planet. And have most definitely not rolled around in nuclear waste! Truth is around my 12th birthday I started looking at things I wanted, say my playstation controller and it would hurtle across the room into my waiting hand (now there was a shock I tell you. And it didn’t happen quite so elegantly. I managed to catch it... with my face. I had a marvellous bruise all across my cheek.) I decided to tell my parents about it around my 13th when I’d gained some more control (i.e. the controller didn’t give me concussion.)
My parents were very understanding actually, and encouraged me to develop this strange ability. In fact my father, bless him, bought me a weight set. So when other boys my age were lifting pumping iron, trying desperately to build muscle in a vain attempt to attract girls, I was working out a different way. Trying to lift the weights using only my mind, and increase my mental muscle. It seemed to be the same as working out any limb, I gradually got stronger and stronger, lifting more weight and for a longer and longer time. Around the time I’ve brought you back to I was just starting on trying to lift our family car. Oh how quaint it is looking back.
Lifting the bully took almost no effort at all, and I enjoyed walking down the corridor, surrounded by my new friends, who were already cloaking me in an aura of mystery. For my first day of a new school, I didn’t think it’d gone that badly!
















Chapter two
Physics

W
alking into a new class is always an interesting experience I feel. There is an almost animal quality about it as everyone rushes to get the seats right for them. You have the Drama Queen sat slapbang in the middle. Drooling boys surrounding her. In fact I’ve often thought that you could probably draw a chart of a seating plan for a secondary school and apply it to 99% of classrooms.
I breezed through the doors with my new admirers in tow and aimed for the seats at the front of the class. A villain I may aspire to be but I wanted to be a well educated one!
Around me arranged themselves my new “posse.” I certainly hadn’t thought I’d have a gang, and one so clichéd, on my first day! Lucky Lucky me. Anna sat to my left, which rather pleased me. I’d never really been interested in girls, but already from the machinegun fire of her questions I could tell that I’d get on well with her. In the coming years she would always sit on my left, symbolic as she became my left-hand man....girl.... friend. On my right was Jason and next to him Ian, who apparently already knew each other vaguely. I learned later that all of my new friends had been outliers of sorts, and I was what drew us together. Oh, I’m such a people person...
“So how did you do it then, huh?!” Jason asked for about the 27th time, or the 28th. To be honest I’d lost count.  
Sigh. I wondered how long I wondered how long I’d have to endure this (The answer was not very long.) I was very tempted to tell them the truth and see how they took it. I could see the rapt attention in all of their eyes. I was new. I was mysterious. I decided I preferred that more.
“I have my ways” I eventually answered them, giving what I hoped was an enigmatic smile. I was practicing making cryptic responses and sly expressions for later life, you know, when I took over the world.  

“Who are you? Are you new in town?” Anna had just asked.
“Yes I’m new, my parents just moved here. Dad got a job at the hospital.” Purposefully avoiding the personal question, I was preparing not to get too rooted down here. I was quite proud of the way I’d managed to avoid it, with sly villainous style when she asked again;
“That’s cool. But who are you?”
Ahhh, you see I’d been hoping to avoid this. Keep the cloud of mystery for just a little while longer. Names seemed to disperse that cloud. Damn. Ah well.
“I’m –”
And I was quite literally saved by the bell. That was my mystery saved for just that much longer. At the exact moment that the bell shrieked through the classroom, our teacher walked in. And you just knew that you were gonna love him. Do you know the type of teacher? They breeze into a classroom looking really uncomfortable in the suit that they are made to wear, and they actually smile! When I rule the world I’m going to force all teachers to be like this. As is happens Mr. Farris was actually a pretty good teacher on top, which was surprising. Normally you have the teachers that are a lot of fun (or what you consider to be fun until you get to the exam desk, and realise they’ve spent the whole year acting cool without teaching you anything. And a little part of you inside dies. Yes I’m talking about YOU Mr. Hardy!)   
Mr. Farris sat down behind his desk and the class fell silent. I was quietly impressed to tell the truth. Many of the schools I’d been in and by now there’d probably be three girls pregnant in the class by one boy. A small nerd being beaten in the corner and a number of dazed individuals who’d gotten a little too close to me for comfort.
“Welcome to the start of GCSE physics. Probably one of the most difficult GCSE’s out there!” Hardly a ringing endorsement I felt. I didn’t have to worry, I was already halfway through the second year of GCSE’s at home but I could see the instant spark of fear in my new friends eyes, all thinking the same thought “Oh Shit.” Maybe I would take pity on them and help them out.
As Mr. Farris started the register I saw Anna watching me out of the corner of her eye, waiting for me to react to a name so she’d know who I was. This was interesting. I decided to play a little game with her. I already knew that I’d be 17th on the register, I’d already seen it that morning before coming to class.
“L—“
“Yes, sir”
I was rewarded by the glimpse of frustration passing over Anna’s face. So my mystery was already trying to be unravelled? I decided I was going to like this year.
Stretching up behind his desk Mr. Farris gave his first physics lecture of the year, and started explaining the fundamentals of the universe. I always found this fascinating but judging from the spreading looks of panic on my fellow classmates faces I was the only one. Jason to my right had seemingly decided to not miss a single word of Mr. Farris’s lecture and was writing with such a speed I wondered if he too had a super-power. Ian beyond him was doodling on his pad. I did a double-take. It was a fantastic picture, obviously one all his time in lessons was spent on. It was a panoramic view of a lake with mountains and the sun setting. I regarded Ian curiously. So far he hadn’t asked any questions about who I was and how I’d thrown the 10nth planet in the solar system several metres seemingly (according to them) without touching him. Who’d have pegged him as an artist?
Anna was writing more lazily. In fact she was the only other person in the class, aside from me, who didn’t look on the verge of a breakdown as Mr. Farris rattled on about the relationships between acceleration and gravity.
I looked down at my own book, wondering if I should be writing anything just for appearances sake when a hand slid into view. Anna put the note of my table, composed as anything and went straight back to writing down the lecture.
Scrawled across the top of a torn piece of paper was:
Who are you then?
You know something? I think I even felt it right then that me and Anna would be close, I still love how determined and stubborn she is! Oh the stories I could tell you about her... but that’s for another chapter my dears. Moving on.
I scribbled back:
Someone new
Yes I know, how terribly enigmatic of me. Looking back at moments like these I cant help but cringe. Oh how suave I thought I was! Gah, I’m so glad I managed to develop some sophistication later on though. It’s a must have to be a successful super-villain!
I could see my reply didn’t meet her satisfaction and there was a frown on her brown as she scribbled her response:
No duh. But I cant exactly shout OI when I want to call you can i?
Oh I liked this girl. Tough I thought. I warred about whether to tell her my actual name when I came up with a better alternative. I wrote back:
You don’t give up do you? Fine. Call me L, as you already know that’s the start.
I saw her looking at my note with a small pout of her lips but this time she seemed to deem it worthy and turned round to treat me to a dazzling smile. I smiled in return and returned to my work. Don’t you get any ideas! I didn’t fancy her or anything like that, I’ve already told you I wasn’t really into girls (or boys for that matter) for that moment. Sure things may change later on, but Anna just became a close friend of mine. Personally although Jason thought us best buddies I considered Anna a closer friend.
As the physics lecture ended and my class breathed a unanimous sigh of relief, I gathered my things quietly and made towards the door when I was stopped by Mr. Farris. Glancing at the doorway I saw Jason, Ian and Anna linger, I mouthed lunch at them. Jason nodded and they moved off.
Looking back at Mr. Farris I wondered what I could have done wrong. Honestly there wasn’t much was there? Ok maybe I might have broken that bully in the hall but no one actually saw me touch him.
Mr. Farris seemed reluctant to begin speaking, as if it was something bothering him.
“I’ve just been reading your file L—“
“Just L, please sir.”
“Ok, I’ve been reading your file L, and I must say what I’ve seen impressed me. The grades sent over from your last school suggest you should really be in the class above this one. I wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping you back from reaching your full potential.”
I really had to stop myself laughing, you know? My full potential. Ah, you see he really had no idea. It’s strange thinking back on it now, how no one had any idea, no one knew my name. Of course then it was only an ambition but still! I had to stop from laughing.
“Oh no sir, don’t worry. I don’t doubt that you’ll be a great teacher for me.”
Guess what? Kept a straight face throughout? Aren’t you proud of me? Oh I didn’t have a doubt he would be a good teacher but I was still struggling not to burst into hysterics. The only full potential I was actually working toward at the moment was trying to lift the family car. It was a heavy beast.
I hurried out of the classroom to my next lesson: English. I’d never really liked English that much, although I loved reading. If you ask me, too many rules. I just hate analysing things. The character did this, which means that they obviously did this. The writer here is showing their hidden feelings about the war...
Or how about the character did that because the writer wrote it that way cause it followed the plot line?
English went by without incident. My classmates were almost painfully normal, they made me want to just beat them over the head with the teacher, purely so they could see something different for once.
After English I found Anna waiting for me outside. This was a nice surprise, she’d had a maths class which was on the other side of the building.
“Howdy L”
She said my “name” with a certain irony, you could plainly see it amused her that I tried to be enigmatic. I coughed, trying to hide my embarrassment.
“Hey, thanks for waiting, I’m not really sure where the canteen is.” Lie
“I guessed as much, it’ll be nice to have someone to sit with, normally I’m quite lonely and I go to the library.”
This was startling, someone like Anna I had expected to be surrounded by friends. We walked into the canteen and a thunderous river of noise greeted us, the same as any school. But then something happened that would be quite unlikely in a real river, and equally surprising in a canteen. Silence rolled out from us as every eye turned to stare. It was honestly quite disturbing really. And coming from me that’s saying something. Now I’m not one to shy away from crazed people trying to kill me, but then that’s an occupational hazard, but I was still teen enough for an entire school staring to freak me out a little.
In the distance we could spy Jason and Ian sitting at a table they’d saved for us. We got out food and then moved on to sit next to them, me and Anna opposite Ian and Jason, the grouping that would stay the same for years.
“So, what are supposed to call you then, mystery man?” Jason asked.
At first I thought he was being rude, and fantastic super-villain I am, I’d prepared to throw him back a few....hundred feet. But I managed to stop myself, I don’t think giving my new friend concussion would be a good start.
“He says we can call him L.” Anna answered. She had this stubborn look in her eye that suggested to me she wasn’t going to let this go. I didn’t realise until later what a stubborn bitch she could be when she wanted to be.
Jason lifted one eyebrow, a skill I was desperate to learn, I don’t think there’s anything that quite says “I’m a villain and honestly I don’t really care about anything you do or say” such as an arched eyebrow. Or am I just being too dramatic?
“So L, have you just moved here or what?”
“I’ve just moved to the town, we live in Ashford court?” Very nice suburb, definitely not the kind of place that you’d expect to find a budding super-villain. Still there was a nice big field near my house that let me practice. Once I’d managed the car there was a big tree lying in the field I couldn’t wait to try.
“Yer, I know it! I live their too! Wow! So why did you have to move down?”  
“My dad got a job in the hospital and we had to move down here.”
“Ouch, so you just had to leave all of your friends?”
“Yup.” More lies, I hadn’t gotten close to anyone in the last town we lived in.
“Ooo, that sucks!”
Actually, to be honest with you, I was at a loss for words. None of the people in my last schools had even bothered to speak to me; I wasn’t even in those towns long enough. I’d been here one day and was already having the third-degree!
We chatted like this for the next half an hour, them throwing questions at me left right and centre. Where did I used to live? What did I think of town? They even went into trivial stuff; What’s your favourite pizza? Honestly, surely I was a bit more mysterious than that?
The bell rang signalling the end of lunch and we all got up and made our goodbyes. Ian was in my next lesson (English language this time, eurgh) and that was nice. I appreciated his quietness, very soothing it was. The rest of the day passed without anything interesting happening (although I saw the bully again in the hallway, he practically shat himself walking straight pace, I tell you, that put a smile on my face!)



Chapter Three
Meet the Parents

Rain. Oh Joy.
If there was one thing you could count on in England it was rain. That must be why they’ve ended up having the worlds largest empire, trying to get away from their own drizzly little island!
After school I had to walk home through the aforementioned deluge, watching people in nice warm cars whiz by me. The temptation was very strong, a flick of my wrist and that car would screech to a halt and the occupants forcibly emptied.
At least I had a smile walking home.
I got back to Ashford Court and our house. It was a homey sort of house. You know those houses where they look like houses, rather than homes, and the people inside would go psycho at you if you so much as thought of putting a drink down without a coaster?
Now think of the opposite and you get my home. Fairly big, two stories and red-bricked. Wider than it was tall and just... well homey! I liked it more than some of our previous houses which had about as much charm as a hospital.
Up through the front door, a twitch of my hand and my coat goes flying onto the coat rack at the end of the hall. It took me a while to get that right. Mum walked out through the kitchen, to glare at the puddle accumulating on the wooden floor.
“Come on now! What have we said about dripping! Off with the shoes mister!”
Mum was a diminutive woman. Slim, bouncy girls, bouncy nature. She whirled through the house almost seeming to energise each room. She was always on at me and dad to go out and do things, family things.
I took off my shoes and followed mum into the kitchen, her domain. Now don’t worry, I’m not being sexist here. But the kitchen is where mum rules. You have not lived until you’ve tried her cheesecake. I would honestly give up my plans of world domination for one of those bad boys, so you know I’m serious.
Flinging my bag by the chair I sat at the counter and stuffed my face with the dessert my mum had baked that day. Mmm banoffe pie.
I know what your thinking, she’s probably a homemaker or something like that and spends all day baking and going to yoga. Wrong. She was a publicity consultant for this big pharmaceutical company. So she spent a lot of the day baking, going to yoga and advising a multi-billion pound company on a new image. I loved Mum.

When my face was well and truly plastered with toffee and banana, cue dad coming in. Tall, slim, dark haired, sharp eyed dad. As was his usual greeting he gave me a big hug (I don’t like it when dads cant show affections to their sons, don’t you?) and took mum up and swirled her around. Dad was so full of... something. We couldn’t place it; life, vitality, passion. Something just made you smile around him, which sounds incredibly cheesy I know but still...
He worked in the Pathology department at the hospital, you know, analysing viruses and trying to sequence their genome. Very much wanted to improve the world. You might think this odd for the parents of a budding super-villian. Did you hide your ambition from them, I hear you enthralled readers ask. No, as a matter of fact. Mum and Dad both wanted to improve the world, but they both agreed on the point that there was nothing that could be done by any singular person. My Mum and Dad actually encouraged  my ambitions! Ahh, it was brilliant!
“How was the first day of school?” Mum asked, a touch of concern in her eyes. Sure she supported by bully throwing power, and power-hungry personality, but I was still her son, and every time we moved to a new school, she always had the mumsy concerns. Did I make friends? Were the lessons alright? Had I broken any (who didn’t deserve it)?
“Actually, it was good! I met some nice people today.”
I almost had hysterics at the look on her face as said that, I tell you! It was beautiful. Only she could produce such an eclectic mix of the emotions; concern, happiness, bewilderment, hope. In previous schools I’d always answered with the same mix of cynical world weariness that was almost unheard of at my age, well not counting those millions of teenagers, living in middle class suburbia, moaning at how bad their life was. Oh how I hated those ones...
“You met some nice people? Good for you, son! Maybe you can have some them over sometime!”
That was Dad. As much as he supported by ambitions, he was always just a little less sure on the super-villain thing than Mum, always prompting me to bring home people, mostly those people he’d just seen me acknowledge.
“Yes Dad” In the most ironic way possible. Honestly, did he think that just because I hadn’t hated these people on sight we we’re going to become “totally best buddies”. It is almost nauseating to remember that is almost exactly what we became.
Before either parents could quiz me more, I walked out of the room whilst Dad was embroiled in the previously vacated banoffe pie.
Opening the door to my room, I have to say I almost sighed in relief. After, for me, an exhausting day